


Consciousness

by Lucifer_BringerofLight



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:26:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28009182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucifer_BringerofLight/pseuds/Lucifer_BringerofLight
Summary: By accident, the consciousness of Patricia is uploded into John's brain. But he doesnt know that. At first, Patricia just watches, doing anything else is too dangerous. Having two minds in one body can and will kill one of them. But the more time passes the more of her mind leakes into his and the other way round. Can they find a way to coexist or does this mean the end of one of them?
Relationships: John Sheppard x OC





	1. Chapter 1

It was unusually busy today. Most days, the Stargate wasn’t activated at all, only once a month’s someone went through and that someone was Patricia. But today wasn’t that day. Today was just a normal day, a day like any other.

At least, it had started that way. As always, Patricia rose with the sun to do her daily labour. Before the sun had even risen above the forest, on which edge her little farm lay, she had fed all the animals. Not that she had many. Just what she needed, two cows for the milk, a hand full of chicken and about dozen sheep. When that was done, she began making breakfast for herself out of fresh eggs. Now that she had eaten, she prepared a few sandwiches for lunch and left her little cottage to walk an hour to work. 

But today she didn’t get that far. Her path led her close to the Stargate, which she knew very well, and other than the villagers, was not afraid of. Usually, it didn’t give the tiniest reason to be afraid of, anyways. Most of the time, it was abandoned and the only people that would go near it were young boys trying to prove they weren’t scared, which they usually were. So, Patricia never encountered anyone on her way to work. Not that she minded that, the villagers didn’t particularly like her. However, when she walked past the Gate today, she could hear unfamiliar voices.

Curiously, she left her path and walked closer. At the clearing, in front of the Stargate, she saw two people, strangely dresses. A man and a woman, both dressed in black pants and jackets, and they were armed. Armed with weapons far beyond anything this planet had seen in a long time. The man however wasn’t holding his gun, but some device, with which he seemed to scan the surrounding area. He was saying something to the woman about odd readings, but Patricia wasn’t close enough to fully understand him. Carefully, she tried to sneak closer.

“Hi.”

A man… no, two men, had appeared on each side of her, both pointing weapons at her.

“Eavesdropping isn’t really polite, is it?”

“Neither is pointing guns at someone.”

Sure, she should be afraid of them, but she wasn’t someone to easily frighten.

“How about you put that down and tell me what you’re doing here?”

“Shouldn’t we be the ones giving orders? Seeing as we’re the ones holding the guns.”

Patricia just shrugged her shoulders and, in a smooth move she reached for her own weapons and held one to each chest, before either of them could react.

“Now we’re all holding guns.”

“Not what I meant.”

“Neither did I. Will you take your guns down now?”

The man who so far had done the talking, a slim, brunette soldier like man, turned toward the taller, more dangerous one. Both nodded and then lowered their guns. To which Patricia answered with putting her own guns away, too.

“I’m Major John Sheppard, by the way, and the gloomy fellow there is Ronon and the two over there are Dr Rodney McKay and Teyla Emmagan.”

“My name is Patricia Hadleigh. What are your people looking for?”

“Good question.”

He turned and shouted to the others to come. So, they did.

“Teyla, Rodney, this is Patricia Hadleigh.”

Patricia reacted only with a slight head bow, then turned back to Major Sheppard, who obviously was the leader of this group.

“Where do you come from, Major John Sheppard?”

“Just John’s enough. And we come from another planet.”

“I figured that, it is the purpose and function of the Astria Porta, after all. I was wondering, which planet specifically.”

The group glanced at each other nervously.

“I’m afraid we can’t tell you that.”

That was not good, not at all. Was it possibly that… no, there was no way they had found her here. Was it?

“I must go now.”

Whether or not it was them, she wouldn’t wait to find that out. With quick steppes she walked away from them, trying to reach the cover of the trees before they shot her in the back. But instead of shooting her, Sheppard jogged after her and quickly was next to her again.

“No need to leave yet. We won’t hurt you.”

“Why should I believe anything you say?”

“Because I’m a very nice person?”

He was still jogging to keep up with her and now grabbed her arm to get her to stop.

“I don’t know who you’re running from, but I promise you, it’s not us. We just travel to other planets to find resources, weapons and allies against the Wraith.”

“Then you won’t have any success here. This planet has little resources besides passable farmland and extensive woods, and the people here at too simple-minded to have developed any serious weapons, neither have they ever encountered the Wraith. All they need weapons for is hunting and for that, a bow and arrow are sufficient.”

“Never encountered the Wraith? That must be the first planet that hasn’t been raided.”

The others had caught up to them by now and all looked surprised, except for that Ronon, who still looked gloomy.

“If the Wraith never been here, how do you know about them?”

“And where did you get your guns from if the people here only have bow and arrow?”

Great, now she had to start at the beginning. And as long as they were around, she couldn’t risk going to work either, not without endangering everything they worked to achieve.

“Please, if you will hold me up longer, let us return to my home. It will be a lot more comfortable there and we won’t get wet when it will start raining soon.”

Five faces turned toward the sky, which was clear as it could be. But Patricia knew this climate better than the four strangers. She could feel the shift in the atmosphere. It was about to rain, probably sooner than later.

“We would be honoured.”

With a deep sigh, Patricia lead the way back to her farm. Not that she wanted them there, but that way, they were less likely to find her workplace. She definitely preferred endangering only herself and not her work.

They had just sat down at the small table in the kitchen when sky clouded rapidly, and heavy drops of rain began to fall.

“Before I answer your question, I have one for you. Have you ever been to, or heard of the Genii?”

All the while they had walked back and even now, Patricia’s hand had been resting on her gun, ready to defend herself at any given moment.

“Yes, we have both.”

Damn it. Again, she pulled out the guns before anyone could see it coming, this time pressing one on the temple of Dr McKay, who shrieked in surprise. The other three had reached for their own weapons when she had moved, but froze the moment they saw the gun on their friend’s head.

“Looking for allies, my ass. What’s your actual mission on this planet, Genii?”

All of them, except the terrified Doctor, looked at her bewildered.

“We’re not here on a mission and we’re not Genii. We’re looking for allies, resources, and technologies to fight the Wraith. I told you that before.”

“Sounds very Genii to me.”

“But we are not.”

“No, you don’t look like them, either. Doesn’t mean you’re not allied with them.”

Before Sheppard could answer, the woman, Teyla, spoke up, softly and reassuring.

“You are Genii, aren’t you? That’s a Genii gun. You’re one of them.”

“I am most certainly not one of them!”

The sole thought of being one of them disgusted her.

“Neither are we. This people are not allies of the Genii. They considered Sheppard’s people their enemies.”

“They actually went to great length to take our home from us. We barely made it out.”

“I have no reason to believe anything you say.”

“My people, the Athosians, used to trade with the Genii. You may have heard of us.”

“How’s that gonna make her trust us?”

In general, Patricia would agree with McKay, but she had heard of the Athosians.

“What did you say was your name?”

“Teyla. Teyla Emmagan.”

“You’re the daughter of Torren! I remember you.”

Frowning, Patricia lowered her weapons and put them on the table. She had trusted Torren and she trusted his daughter.

“You met her and her father?”

Patricia nodded, she wasn’t in the mood to elaborate on any of that. If they weren’t allies of the Genii, they didn’t need to know any more about her than they already did.

“Let’s just say, I used to be a Genii and they didn’t take it very well that I left. That’s all you need to know about me. As to your earlier questions, this people never met the Wraith because they have no value for the Wraith. The are only a handful of villages, scattered all over the land, only a couple of hundred villagers in total, for all I know. They live in terrible conditions and are ridden by illnesses even the most haunted planets have erased. I guess the Wraith know that they’ll never get a proper harvest here. Most of the villagers barely make it to their thirties, the oldest I’ve met was 27, their medical knowledge is pathetic. The Wraith keep their distance, as does any other sane society.”

“Why don’t you help them? If their medical knowledge is as limited as you say, why don’t you teach them?”

“Because they tried to burn me as a witch for it. And personally, I would prefer not to burn any day soon. Any other questions?”

“Yeah, if it’s such a terrible planet, why would you come here?”

“Because, like I said, no sane society would voluntarily go here. Neither would the Genii. Which makes it the perfect exile for me. I can live out here on this farm in peace.”

“But you can’t possibly have made all these on your own.”

Teyla looked around the room. She came from a simple people too, she knew how much one woman could do on her own. And she knew very well that some things she saw here couldn’t be made under those circumstances.

“You’re right, I didn’t. Once every circle, I travel through the portal to trade with villages on other planets, I sell them wool or cheese or medicine a make with herbs, and they sell me everything I cannot make myself. But that won’t be of any advantage for you.”

They nodded slightly, Rodney still eyeing Patricia suspiciously. Apparently, he didn’t take it very be threatened.

“Could you lead us to the nearest village? Perhaps we can trade with them.”

“I cannot. And I wouldn’t even if I could. Going there is foolish. If they won’t burn you as witches, they will infect you. I will not go near this place. If you must go, go alone.”

Under no circumstances would she go there. Even if they wouldn’t try to burn her as a witch, which they most certainly would, Patricia planned on living a long, if simple, live. Which she couldn’t do if she got infected by heaven knew what sickness.

A glance through the window told her that the sky had begun clearing already.

“It stopped raining. You better go now.”

With a collective sigh the group got up. They knew they weren’t welcome anymore and had decided a woman that talented with weapons should not be irritated. Silently, they left, only Sheppard turned back to her.

“Thanks for your time. It was… interesting.”

The way he said that almost make Patricia crack a smile, but her face remained stoic.

“If you are clever, you will not go to a village.”

“We don’t even know where those villages are.”

“The better. Go home, John Sheppard. Unless you want to hide or die, this planet offers nothing for you.”

As an answer, he raised an eyebrow, but left quietly in the direction of the gate. Good, Patricia thought, then she might just get to work today.

Half an hour later, hoping it had been enough time for them to discover that this planet really had nothing to offer, she, once more, made her way to work. This time, the clearing with the Stargate lay quiet and abandoned as it should be. Good. With a relieved sigh, Particia turned her back on the Portal and walked on to where she was going.

The sun had already reached its highest point when Particia reached ruins of an old building. Same as the Stargate, the villager were afraid of the ruins too. Patricia wasn’t. On the contrary, she liked the moss and weed covered stones. But today, she had no time to appreciate the beauty. Surely, she was already awaited. She was about to enter her workplace, when suddenly everything disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

Something was wrong. That was the first thing Particia realised when she woke up. Something was really wrong. She couldn’t really put her finger on what it was. She just felt… wrong. There was no better way to say it. Except maybe for, she didn’t feel like herself. Her body didn’t feel like her own, it felt strange, and unfamiliar. And clumsy. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t move. What had happened to her? She hadn’t done anything that would cause this feeling. Had she passed out? Obviously, she had, but that couldn’t cause this, could it? It didn’t really matter, though. For as long as she couldn’t move, she couldn’t do anything about it anyway. 

At least her senses began to come back. First of all, hearing, which was good. Because the conversation going on around her was rather enlightening.

“What have you got, Carson?”

That was the voice of a woman, one Patricia never heard before. Neither had she ever heard the man who now answered.

“Not much. No abnormalities of any kind. Only slightly increased brain functions.”

“What causes it?”

“I don’t know. He could just be dreaming.”

He? So, they weren’t talking about her, right? But then why would the voices be right next to her.

“Tell me again what you did before he passed out.”

This time, another woman answered.

“We were exploring the planet.”

She knew that voice. It was Teyla. What the hell was going on here?

“McKay had found strange energy readings, which we followed.”

“What was so strange about them?”

“That they were there in the first place. This planet was very primitive.”

Now it was McKay who had spoken, then Teyla again.

“According to the woman we spoke to, the people of this planet had no technology whatsoever.”

“So, energy readings are out of place, I understand. What did you find, Rodney?”

“Well, I didn’t get clear readings, but I’d say Genii.”

“Didn’t you say that the woman you met was a Genii? Could she have something to do with this?”

“I don’t believe so.”

“Well, she did want to get rid of us.”

“Exactly, she wanted us to leave, as soon as possible. She wouldn’t mysteriously injure one of our people and risk more of us to come back, now would she? Also, I don’t believe we should judge her by being Genii. She seemed to dislike them greatly.”

The more she heard Teyla talk the more she liked her. Teyla really was Torren’s daughter, beyond doubt. But the more Patricia heard of the conversation, the more she could imagine what had happened. And she really didn’t like it.

If she was right, this body didn’t feel like her own because it wasn’t. It was someone else’s body. And that someone was either John Sheppard or Ronon. This was bad, this was really bad. Her colleague must have done that. Why ever he would do that. He knew it would end badly for one or both individuals involved. Two minds couldn’t share one body. That was simply impossible. Both consciousnesses would constantly fight each other trying to be the dominant one. Patricia had seen it in their pervious experiments. It would eventually lead to organs shutting down because the brain wasn’t capable of sending the right information to keep them going. And if that didn’t happened, one consciousness would be lost, practically deleted and the person would die.

Which was something she really didn’t want to happen here. In the experiments, it had always been people who wanted to take over the other body, who had volunteered for the transplantation, but she hadn’t. She didn’t want to be in this man’s body. She wanted to be in her own body, to be Patricia. And she most certainly didn’t want to fight or kill this man over his own body. That was wrong. It was his body, and he should control it, not her.

“What is wrong, Carson?”

Next to here, a machine had begun beeping frantically.

“His brain activity is increasing immensely. If it keeps rising like that it will reach a level it physically can’t handle, soon.”

Crap. She had hoped to have a little more time, but right now, she was fully active, and he apparently regained consciousness. He would soon repress her, and his brain activity would go back to how it had been a few minutes ago. Until she would grow more active again and repress him. They would be able to keep going like this for some time, but eventually either his internal organs would malfunction, or his brain would shut down if not one of them died first. Which was the only way to survive.

Taking a deep breath, Patricia imagined her own body. In her mind, she lay down on her back, closed her eyes and folded her hands on her belly.

‘I surrender’, she thought, collecting all her mind and soul into the little mental body she had conjured, letting go of the control she had. She would die. But she would die saving this man… from herself. There just was no other way. Taking another deep breath, she cut off the senses one after another. The last thing she felt was a single tear rolling down his cheek before darkness swallowed her.


	3. Chapter 3

Much to her surprise, Particia did not die. Which she realised when the darkness suddenly lifted. At first, the images were hazy, but quickly cleared. In front of her, of more precisely in front of him, Patricia saw that they were in a bedroom of some sort. She could feel his body again, but this time it felt less strange. Patricia could actually feel the covers of the bed, they sat upon, underneath her, she could feel the cool air from the opened window on her skin. But this time, she wasn’t in control. He was. Because he was the one reaching for the book on the bedside table. She could see the pages and read the letters. Hell, she could even feel his heartbeat inside his chest.

How was this even possible? She had surrendered herself completely, given up every last bit of control she had. In the past, the submissive consciousness would vanish and die eventually, no matter how hard they fought. But she hadn’t fought at all. There should have been no way for her to survive. And yet she did. But how she did exceeded her knowledge infinitely. No matter what had caused this, she would not do anything to endanger this man, though she still didn’t knew who he was, but she would not risk his live. And if that meant to be a passive observer for the rest of her existence then so be it. For now, she could do nothing but read his book while he did. Which was called “War and Peace” by a guy named Tolstoy. And it was big enough to murder someone with it. And from what Patricia could tell after a few pages, a rather sophisticated book, written in not one but two languages. Which Patricia found to be a little confusing as she didn’t know the second language. Then again, even the parts she could understand made no sense to her. Didn’t help her much since she had nothing better to do. Either it was that or trying to sleep, which, as she discovered when she tried, was not possible. Not really surprising, though, as long as she was restricted to the very small fragment she had conjured before, she had no influence over melatonin production and without melatonin she could not sleep. So, there was nothing else she could do but exactly what the man did. The man. That was another thing she wondered about. Who was he? She knew that it was either Ronon or John Sheppard, the two other she had heard talking when she first woke up in his body. Those two she hadn’t. But even if she did know his name, she wouldn’t know anything about him. Nothing whatsoever. Of course, that would change soon. She was in his head, after all, even though she couldn’t read his thoughts, she could and would see everything he saw and did. There was no better way to get to know someone, was there? At least on her side. She would get to know him, but he would never know who she was. He probably didn’t even know she was here. Had he any idea that she was in his brain?

Patricia was glad when he put the book away and got up. Her thoughts were running in circles and she had a million questions but no answers. A little distraction would be most welcome. At least she thought that way until she had to watch him going into the adjoining bathroom. Another thing she had found out during her attempt to sleep was that she saw and felt everything he did, without exceptions. Every sensory stimulus was inevitably transferred to her as well. She couldn’t just close her eyes, she had no eyes to close. That would certainly lead to plenty of awkward moments. Lucky him. He would never know. But there was nothing to be done about it, so Patricia might as well accept it with grace.

As she had expected, he undressed only moments after he went into the bathroom. Didn’t even look at the mirror before stepping into the shower. Patricia had hoped she would get to finally see who her host was. Instead, she saw nothing. He had closed his eyes as the clear, cold water rained down on him. She could feel the weariness falling off of him and him finally waking up.

Nevertheless, it took him about ten minutes to shower and bring himself to get out of the shower again. Now, he finally stepped in front of the mirror and groaned at the sight of himself. Her host was John Sheppard, the almost skinny, brunet soldier, but when they had met first, he had looked a lot better, he had been grinning most of the time, his hair was stylishly messy and his whole attitude was energized and lively. Not so much now. Now, he had dark rings under his eyes that made tanned skin looked sickish pale, his hair wasn’t stylish in any way, it was simply messy, and he seemed to be anything but lively, he looked more like a walking corps than a living person. He seemed to agree with her assessment, with a deep sigh he run his hands first over his face then through his hair, with which he messed them up even more.

“Pull yourself together, John! If you go out there like that, you’ll have Beckett on your ass the whole day!”

Should it worry her that he was talking to himself? Nah, that was probably normal, especially for someone looking as exhausted as he was. And he was right too, if he would leave his room looking like that, his colleagues would worry about him most definitely.

With another sigh he brushed his teeth and shaved. After he had combed and styled his hair, he looked a little better. Not great, but better. Next, he opened the cabinet and took out a sort of pen, with which he applied a skin-coloured substance to the rings under his eyes. Make up, as it seemed, though Patricia had never seen makeup in form of a pen. Then again, she had never seen a man use, much less poses makeup. But it helped. The rings vanished almost completely and now he looked a lot like the man she had met on her planet.

“I really have to get Elizabeth a new concealer.”

He chuckled a little, but didn’t sound that amused.

“She probably already wonders where this one went.”

Ah, there was the explanation. It wasn’t his makeup, it was his colleague’s, he had just borrowed it. Well, stolen might describe it better, but if his people’s conventions were similar to hers, then he would have trouble getting makeup any other way and the way he had looked he really needed it. 

With a last glance at the mirror, he left the bathroom and after getting dressed, left his room. The moment he stepped through the door Patricia felt his posture switch to a confident and strong appearance. No wonder the poor man was tired if he constantly pretended not to be. She just hoped that her presence wasn’t the reason he was tired to begin with.

“Ah Colonel Sheppard, I was just on my way to you.”

He turned to his side, where another man had appeared.

“Dr Becket, what can I do for you?”

“Oh, I just thought, since you have a check up today, I’d come and get you?”

“I was going to come see you, first thing today... After breakfast.”

Patricia wondered what check-up they were talking about. Was it because of the incident that had caused this? How long ago had the transfer been anyway? There was no way to tell for her. And no way to know if her presence had damaged him in any way.

“Well, then go on and have breakfast. I’ll expect you in the infirmary in, say, half an hour.”

“I’ll be there.”

He nodded at the other man, Dr Becket, and walked away. It surprised Patricia a little that John actually went to get breakfast. She had half expected him to skip it and go somewhere quiet, probably outside. But instead, he went to the canteen an got a sandwich and some fruits. Good, his body could need some nutritious. With his breakfast, he sat down on one of the tables, opposite of McKay, which he acknowledged by grunting something that sounded vaguely like ‘Good Morning’.

“Why the good mood?”

“I just can’t figure it out!”

“And we all know how much you love a good mystery.”

“Ha ha, very funny.”

“Alright. What can’t you figure out?”

Now his tone shifted from mocking to almost soft, but only almost.

“The energy readings.”

John frowned, apparently not knowing what McKay was talking about, Patricia didn’t even bother trying to understand.

“M8G-486?!”

That seemed to mean something to John, he nodded and took a bit from his sandwich.

“What about it?”

“Well, I just don’t understand where the readings came from. There was nothing there. And while we were on the farm of that woman-”

“Patricia.”

“Right, while we were on her farm, I detected no energy readings whatsoever.”

“So?”

“So, if she had something to do with it, why was the readings so far away from her home? And if she didn’t, who was it then?”

“Guess we’ll just never know.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“No, why should it?”

“Aren’t you the tiniest bit curious what happened to you?”

“That was weeks ago, Rodney. And Beckett gave me a clean bill of health. He’s more worried about that alien virus.”

Rodney eyed them quickly, a worried frown on his face.

“I thought you were better again. You look a lot better.”

“Thanks. I feel better, too. But Beckett worries about long term consequences.”

Such as weariness and lack of appetite? Because he was most certainly weary and during the entire conversation had taken no more than two bites off his sandwich. A virus infection would also explain the physical exhaustion she felt in his body. It was not her fault. What a relieve. Still bad for him, but she was glad she hadn’t caused it. Which probably was rather good for him because it meant she might not cause any damage to him in the future. Which definitely counted as good for him.

“I should go, Beckett’s expecting me.”

What he should do was eat his sandwich. They needed the energy. But he didn’t even take another look at it before getting up and leaving.

Very slowly he made his way to the infirmary, taking many turns that didn’t seem necessary to Patricia, some even twice. When he finally came there the half hour had long passed.

“There you are, Colonel!”

“Yeah, sorry Doc, got held up.”

Dr Beckett looked a little doubtful, but didn’t say any more. Instead, he just asked John to sit on a bed and wait, he’d bee with him in a moment. John gladly obeyed, the walk here had worn him out. His joints hurt, and so did his head, and he felt just overall exhausted. Whatever virus that had been it had done a hell of a job knocking him out.

“So, Colonel Sheppard, how are you feeling? Tried? Headaches? Pain in the limbs or joints?”

“Nothing, I am fresh as a daisy.”

Liar. A good one, though. The doctor’s face gave no indication of doubt at all. But Patricia could just shake her non-existing head. This man really was too stubborn to admit that he was still sick. Too arrogant to admit apparent inadequacies. And that was the man she would be stuck with for the rest of her life? Great, just great.

“Well, that’s good to hear.”

With a friendly smile, the doctor took his vitals and wrote them down. When he was done, he turned back to Sheppard.

“That looks good. Almost back to normal.”

“Does that mean you’ll clear me for active duty?”

She felt tension build up inside him. That was to say, more than had already been there. He had been tense from the moment he left his room.

“I’m sorry Colonel, but I can’t do that. I don’t think you’ll be fit for off-world missions for at least another week.”

Surprisingly, he didn’t get angry. On the contrary, the tension eased, and he relaxed a little.

“So, you’re saying I’m stuck in my room for another week?”

“Not stuck there. But I would like it if you rest for at least another week. Sleep, read a little, eat, a lot. I’ll explain it to Elizabeth, you just do nothing for a while. Play golf.”

Listening to the doctor, the tension inside him vanished almost completely. He wasn’t arrogant, Patricia realised, he was afraid. Afraid that his colleagues would think less of him if he said he felt unwell. Saying that the doctor had ordered him to take it slow was something entirely different, especially if he kept up the act. That way they would probably just think Beckett worried too much.

“Why don’t we say two or three days?”

“Seven at least. If not more!”

“Five?”

“A week.”

She could practically feel him smile, although he did not actually smile, but nod outwardly, resigning.

“Whatever you say, doc.”

Pleased with the apparently easy victory over the usually so stubborn patient Beckett smiled and send John to get some more rest.

This time, Sheppard took the fastest way to his rooms, dropping all the tension the moment the door closed behind him. He didn’t even undress before laying down on his bed. Within moments he had fallen asleep and Patricia along with him.


	4. Chapter 4

For another couple of weeks, thinks went pretty much the same. After eight days of rest, and after John had begun eating properly again, Beckett cleared him for duty and he and his team went on as usual. Patricia didn’t do much. Most of the time she spent trying to figure out a way to resolve this situation, unsuccessfully, as she had to admit. But there wasn’t much else she could do, besides watching. As she had expected, Patricia had learned much about John and had grown rather fond of him. Sure, he was stubborn, he was reckless, he was bossy, he never listened to anyone and occasionally was arrogant, but he was also exceedingly kind and caring and he would do anything for his friends. He risked his life for people he didn’t know, he was sarcastic and goofy and had a sometimes silly, but still amusing sense of humour. And he was a lot cleverer than he led on. Which in the past weeks had come in handy at times when he was trying to help McKay solve problems.

Right now, however, the team was stuck on a planet. It had been a mission like any other. They arrived, looked around, found no clue of civilisation or useful resources, and wanted to leave again. Which was when they realised that they were in trouble.

“What do you mean, you can’t dial out?”

“I mean I can’t dial out. It won’t dial.”

It was always amusing to listen to McKay and Sheppard banter, but they usually picked the worst times for it.

“And why is that?”

“All I know is that it doesn’t work?”

“Could it be the crystal?”

“Didn’t I just say, ‘all I know’?”

If Patricia had eyes, she would have rolled them in annoyance. Sometimes she wondered why John hadn’t severely harmed McKay yet.

“Well then why don’t you figure it out?”

And judging by his tone, John wondered about that too. He turned his back on the scientist.

“Looks like we’ll be here for a while.”

“Weir will check in with us soon.”

“And then what, Rodney? If you don’t figure out what’s the problem, she can’t help us!”

Mummering under his breath McKay began to work, but quickly turned back to his team.

“Good news, I figured out why we can’t dial. Bad news, we’re screwed.”

“Care to share with as why?”

“Because the circuits are completely fried, and the crystal is damaged.”

“Can you fix it?”

“Oh sure, just give me a gum and a ballpoint pen.”

“All right MacGyver, then what do you suggest we do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then figure it out!”

“Sure, because every time something is impossible, you expect me to fix it! But I told you I can’t. There’s nothing I can do! We’re all going to die here!”

Like little children. Patricia had noticed before that McKay wasn’t good at handling impending doom or trying to prevent it. He tended to panic and paint things blacker than they actually were.

“Alright, let’s all calm down.”

Teyla, as often, was the voice of reason. Without her, the team would have died several times before, and John would probably have strangled McKay, or at least abandoned him on a planet far, far away.

“We have time until nightfall. How about, Ronon and I will go search for a safe place to stay should we not get out of here before that. You two will work on solving that, peacefully.”

McKay went back to work grumbling, while John quietly cursed him. Somewhat satisfied, Teyla nodded and left with Ronon. After taking a deep breath, John joined McKay, looking over his shoulder. Which Patricia appreciated, because now she could asses the situation herself.

Over an hour later, Teyla and Ronon had long since returned, having found a suitable place to spent the night, the sun began to set, as all of them noted worried. McKay had not come even close to solving the issue and had burned himself twice. If that really was the most brilliant person Earth, John’s home world, had to offer, then Patricia had to wonder why the Genii even bothered being enemies with them.

“We should leave. Maybe we’ll have more luck tomorrow.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

McKay sounded resigned. As much as Patricia wanted to hate him, she couldn’t. not when he looked like that. He clearly felt guilty for letting his friends down and thought it was his fault that they were stuck here over night. Sometimes Patricia even believed that all that arrogance was just a cover for his insecurity. But right now, that wasn’t the most pressing matter.

Patricia herself had figured out a possible solution about half an hour ago, but having no way to communicate it, it was irrelevant. But seeing as she had no desire to spent the night in the cold, not with John still not being fully recovered form that damn virus and being vulnerable to cold and wet conditions. Just two weeks back a simple cold had almost knocked him off his feet, she didn’t even want to imagine what pneumonia could do to him. She definitely had to do something.

Sadly, she knew that directly communicating with him was impossible, even if had been willing to risk his life. Her only chance was to somehow convey her thoughts to him, in the past Genii experiments that had sometimes worked. All she had to do was to focus on what she wanted to share with him and think about sending it to him. And that she did.

To her infinite surprise it seemed to work, the group had already started walking away, when John suddenly stopped.

“I have an idea.”

“What is it.”

“I’m not really sure. Just let me try something real quick.”

With that he kneeled down in front of the device they called DHD and pulled one of the wires.

_Yes, yes, now take the other one._

John reached for another wire, ready to pull it out but then hesitated.

No, not that one, the other one, over there. C’mon, John, that one there

And really, John picked the correct wire, looked at both the wires he held for a moment and then wrapped them around broken crystal.

“What are you doing?!”

“Just an idea.”

Astonished, Patricia and the rest of the group watched John, as he continued pulling wires and connecting them. Just the way Patricia had tried to tell him to, successfully tried.

“Okay, I think we’re good to go.”

“Or to blow ourselves to hell.”

“Or that.”

With a sigh, John began dialling the coordinates of Atlantis and laughed excitedly when the Gate actually locked onto it and established a stable wormhole.

“How did you know how to do that.”

“I have no idea!”


	5. Chapter 5

Back in Atlantis, John didn’t stay with the rest of his team for long, he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep, so that was what he did.

Just that this time, sleep for him didn’t sleep for her. Patricia had fallen asleep almost instantly after he had, but was jolted awake again. Her first thought was that someone had entered the room or otherwise starteld John. But no. John hadn’t been woken up by something in the room. John hadn’t been women up at all. His eyes were closed, his heartbeat steady. He was fast asleep. Then why was she awake? She couldn’t hear anything, nothing there that could have woken her. A little confused, Patricia relaxed, trying to fall asleep again.

But instead of sleep, images came into her mind. Thoughts that definitely weren’t hers. It must have been a dream. John’s dream.

He was sitting on a horse, riding up to a large house. Both he and the horse seemed to be relaxed and happy. He was even talking to the horse. But suddenly stopped and tensed when he saw the man waiting for him at the door. Wincing, he halted the horse and got off it. Out of nothing a man came up to him and took th the reins out of his hand. John bit his lip, staring longingly after his horse. At the door, the man cleared his throat disapprovingly, which got John’s attention again. Slowly he walked towards him, wanting nothing more than to get back on the horse and get as far away from here as possible. But he couldn’t, he knew that. The closer he got to the house, the slower he got, but he eventually reached it, nevertheless. Glaring at him, but without a word, the man opened the door and John went in. In the decorative mirror that hung in the floor, Patricia could see that John wasn’t the John she knew, he couldn’t be older than ten. Probably even younger.

“Where have you been, John?”

Before the boy could bring himself to answer, the man spoke up again.

“I told you to be here! Why can’t you once do what you are told? Just today?”

“I’m sorry, father. I just wanted…”

But again, his father didn’t let him talk.

“Just get ready!”

With hid head hanging, John got up and went upstairs, into his room, if it could be called that. It wasn’t just one room, it were several. As far as she could see, there was a living room, a playing room, a walk-in closet, and a bedroom. In the bedroom, John set down on his bed, tears streaming down his face. He quietly sobbed until another boy walked in, a few years older. The boy took one look at John and went into the closet, came in with a suit.

“C’mon, Johnny, Dad will be angry if you aren’t ready.”

But John couldn’t stop sobbing.

“I don’t want to go.”

With a sigh, the other boy hung the suit on the door and sat down next to John, putting his arm around him.

“I know. I don’t want to either. But dad can’t do it without us.”

“He doesn’t even care!”

“Of course, he does! He loved mom just as much as you and I, and he misses her.”

John didn’t really believe it. His father was always so cold and distant, how could he love possibly love mom as much as he did?

“Please Johnny, don’t let me go down there alone. If you don’t want to do it for dad, can you do it for me?”

Little John just kept sobbing.

“Please. They will all fuss over me, and want to hug me. Don’t make me do that alone.”

By now, the boy’s sounded desperate, he really, really didn’t want to do it alone, whatever it was. He was practically begging John to be with him. John, seeing the tears in his brother’s eyes, nodded. He wiped away his tears, even though new kept coming, and went into the bathroom to wash his face.

Ten minutes later, he and his brother went down, but John hesitated before going through the balcony door. He swallowed, but couldn’t hold back the tears.

“Please don’t leave me alone Dave.”

When his brother turned to him, tears were running down his face too. He nodded and grabbed John’s hand, squeezing it tightly. And then, the went into the garden, to what Patricia know realised was a wake. And judging by the way everyone came, petting the boys’ hair, looking at them seemingly sympathetic, it was their mother’s. No wonder John had wanted to ride away again and not come back. Dave stayed by John’s side, not once letting go of his little brother’s hand. Their father, however, only gave them a quick nod when they first came out. From what Patricia could see, she had to agree with John, his father really didn't seem to care too much. He politely engaged with the guests, nodding and chatting. No wonder a ten-year-old would think that the father didn’t take the loss of his mom too hard.

Time didn’t seem to pass at all. Every few minutes the boys were approached by someone would wanted to tell them how sorry they were for their loss. Both Dave and John tried to be brave for each other, holding back tears, smiling as politely as they could. The more time passed, the more the pain inside John dulled. Not because he missed his mom any less, but because he went numb from all the meaningless chitchat. He was glad when the wake was finally over and the guests left. Now it was just him, his brother and his dad again. Suddenly, he felt terribly lonely. Throughout the last hours he had held on to his brother like to a lifeline. But now that Dave had let go of his hand, he was all alone in the world. No one there to catch him if he fell, no one to tell him everything would be alright. Only him. No one else. With that thought, little John cried himself to sleep.

After that the dream faded, and Patricia fell back into a dreamless sleep. Tomorrow was soon enough to think about what this could mean for them.


	6. Chapter 6

When John woke up the following morning, he was in a bad mood. Which Patricia could tell before she even saw his face. At first it startled her. There were feelings in her head that weren’t hers. Like the dream tonight. The dream that most likely was the reason for his mood. She most certainly would have been, had it been her dream.

After a cold shower, John went to the mess hall to get some breakfast and coffee. He needed coffee. Tonight had been anything but restful. But when had sat down with a bowl of cereals and a cup, he just stared at it, poking around in his cereals.

“Good morning John, mind if I join you?”

Not even looking up at Teyla, he grumbled something that vaguely resembled an agreement.

“Have you not slept well?”

“Bad dreams.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Patricia liked Teyla, her tact and compassion, but John just shook his head, taking a sip of his coffee.

“Well, should you change your mind, I’ll be here.”

“Thanks.”

And really, in midst all this dark and gloomy emotions that swept in from him, Patricia could feel gratitude. Knowing that his friend would be there for him, that she was right here, eased away a little of the pain the memories had brought with them. 

Not long after, Ronon showed up. But Ronon was not a very talkative person, especially not in the morning. If he noticed John’s bad mood, he didn’t say anything. And Rodney, who came last, certainly didn’t notice it. Eventually, John ate a bit and at least emptied the cup of coffee. It didn’t seem to have the usual effect today, John still felt exhausted and dull.

“So, what’s the plan for today?”

Rodney looked at John expectantly, but it was Teyla that answered.

“If I am not mistaken, we will go to P48-M76.”

“Oh wasn’t that the planet with…”

Astonished he stopped when John got up and walked out. His team starred after him, but he didn’t really care. He wasn’t in the mood for small talk or company. And he wasn’t in the mood to go on a mission. He really, really wasn’t in the mood for a mission.

With a sigh, he knocked at the door of Elizabeth’s office and went in.

“Morning John. Up and at it already, I see. Isn’t it a little early for the briefing?”

“I want to postpone the mission.”

That surprised Elizabeth a lot more than it surprised Patricia. She had sensed something like that coming. There was a certain resolution inside John, a resolution to roll up on his bed and to stay there for the rest of this day.

“May I ask why?”

“Because…”

He hadn’t planned this far ahead. He hadn’t planned at all. He hadn’t known what he wanted to say to Elizabeth until he had said it.

“I’m… sick…. Probably the rain yesterday.”

Weir raised an eyebrow, clearly seeing through his lie. But she knew John well enough to know that, if he was willing to lie about being sick, he must have his reasons. Her stare rested on him for another few moments before she nodded.

“Tomorrow then. Will you feel better by then?”

“Sure.”

With that he was gone. But he couldn’t go back to bed quite yet. He still had to tell his team. He found them leaving the mess.

“Mission’s postponed to tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“Because. That’s why.”

Ronon just shrugged it off, he couldn’t care less, and Teyla knew something was off, but didn’t ask. It was Rodney who surprised John, he had expected him to argue about it the most, just accepted it with that.

“Great, so I’ll finally have some time to work on that idea I got. If I’m right, which I’m sure I am, it’ll-”

He kept on talking, but John didn’t listen. Technically, that couldn’t stop Patricia from doing so, but right now, she was more interested in what was going on in his head. The emotions she felt from him were almost suffocation her. It was as if his inside was tide up in a knot, getting harder and harder, to a point where it physically hurt him. And that scared him. It scared him a lot.

Without another word he left his team, returning to his room, where he locked himself in. He felt just like the day his father had told him about his mom’s death. Weak and alone and as if he had to die too. He hadn’t felt like that ever again. Patricia had the suspicion that her presence might have something to do with that, but she had no explanation. And right now, there was nothing she could do for him but trying sooth his pain by taking some of it, if that was even possible.

John had laid down on the bed, starring up upon the celling. Apparently, it seemed to work because he soon fell asleep. But even in his dreams he was haunted by pain and despair. His dreams were strange and dark, and everything seemed to be cold and out to harm him.

Patricia was actually glad when a knock at the door woke them. And so was John, though he still wanted to be alone. He rolled out of bed with a growl, opening the door to find Teyla standing in front of him with a tray in her hands, on it were a teapot and two cups.

“I took the liberty and talked to Dr Weir. I apologize for it.”

John just shrugged, he knew why Teyla had come, so he let her in.

“Dr Weir told me that today is the anniversary of the loss of one of your family members. So, I come to propose to you to a ceremony with you. My people do it to honour and memories our loved ones.”

Once again, John felt deep gratitude towards Teyla, and though he still wasn’t in the mood for company, he nodded. Perhaps the Athosians were right. Perhaps it was bad to spend a day like this alone. That’s what friends were there for, weren’t they? And with this, John relaxed a little.

He only paid little attention to the ceremony Teyla did, but when she was done and had left again, he felt a lot better. Most importantly, he didn’t feel as alone anymore. Though he did have the wish to be with his brother. He missed him. But there was nothing to be done about that. Nevertheless, he didn’t want to be alone anymore. So, he sought out the next best thing he had to a brother in Atlantis. Ronon was in the gym, beating up a training dummy.

“Sheppard, come to volunteer as a target?”

“Oh, why not?”

It was better than being alone, so he spend the next few hour barely better off than the dummy. But he never could hold up against Ronon. Patricia always admired Ronon’s agility and strength. He was an amazing fighter and John, who was naturally lazy, never stood a chance. Which, from what Patricia could tell, he usually knew before agreeing to a fight.

Some hours later, when he decided he had been beaten up enough for today, John went back to bed again, but this time, sleep brought peace. Tomorrow would be a better day, he was certain of it. And so was Patricia. And maybe tomorrow she’d have the time to figure out how more and more of him could leak into her mind and if it worked the other way round too. But that, she thought as she felt John drift into unconsciousness, was a problem for another day.


End file.
